Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Gossip Girl Season 2 Ep.1 recap

Warning: It's all one big spoiler so don't read unless you want to be...spoiled.

Ok here we go!

We open with a shot of the McMansions in the Hamptons with Gossip Girl saying "Sex, lies and scandal never take a vacation." And then cut to Nate making out with a blond in the backsteat of a girl. God, don't you miss being in high school? But thank God that guest houses were invented, so if you get bored of having sex in a car, you can just pop over there for some raunchy good times. And no, the blond isn't Serena, it's an older dame. A hot, older dame.

And then we come to delightfully sinful Chuck, who last time we saw him was ditching Blair for some decorator chick. Guess that fling didn't last after the first, erm, fling. Three smiling beauties who apparently don't know English grammar happily take off their bikini tops. There are children near by! What about the children??

There is even sex going on in Brooklyn apparently. Sin isn't just for the Hamptons! We see Dan making out with a random girl in the library while his employer reads aloud to an audience who is blissfully unaware of all the steamy action. After random girl leaves, random hot asian chick comes expecting a make out session but Dan has to go home to finish his unfinished story for his internship. It seems that Dan is nursing his broken heart for Serena by becoming the biggest man whore in New York City. I am oddly turned on by this.

Too bad Jenny isn't getting any action- well sex action that is. She has been spending her summer interning at Waldorf Designs under the tutelage of a bitchy employee. Jenny is trying to get a dress she made on the back of said bitchy employee, but all she gets in response to the pretty dress is "It's not even white, it's bone" and "If I'm going to wear a custom anything, it's going to matter." Damn, this show has the best lines. Jenny is then forced to match buttons as punishment.

Back at the Humphrey household, Dan struggles to write even a sentence of his story, which is supposed to be about his and Serena's break-up but the words just won't come out, he is so heartbroken.

Know who else is heartbroken? Chuck Bass. Once he learns that Blair is taking the Jitney ("What's a Jitney?" asks limo-loving Chuck) to the Hamptons, he shows up at the bus stop with flowers and an awesome bright red suit. But instead of being welcome with open arms, Blair falls into the embrace of a hot dude. Love hurts!

But even the rich must put aside their insecurities and eat together at the dinner table. Chuck quizzes James (Blair's new boy toy) on Blair's favorite movies, proving that only he knows the depths of her soul. Chuck also notices that Blair's heart pin, originally given to Nate when she told him she loved him, is on James's sleeve. Chuck's jaw tenses up' he is upset. Blair ends up taking the pin back which not even James notices.

Blair then chats up Serena and asks her why she hasn't dipped her fingers in some man chowder. But Serena is still missing Dan. I sense a reunion coming up.

Speaking of Dan, remember that story he had trouble writing? Well he didn't write and got fired from his employer. If only he could sort out his feelings for Serena then his genius would be restored.

The littlest Humphrey, that is, Jenny, makes nice with Eric (she was a raging bitch to him last season even though he was her one, true friend) and uses him to get into the fancy party so she can wear her custom dress and show everyone how talented she is. Hey, what are friends for?

Nate and his married fling move their sexual escapes to her house. These kids sure are frisky. Her husband comes home a week early and Nate is forced to jump from the balcony in his skivvies. At least he looks sexy.

Nate's ex, Blair, says the best line of the episode:"Damn that Mother Chucker."
Chuck gets suspicious of James when it's discovered the he has been lying about where he goes to school. If it's not Princeton or Georgetown then he must be a crook! He calls a P.I. (on speed dial) and does some digging.

And look who shows up! Dan!! In an unlikely turn of events, Serena's Grandmother from Hell, says that she has changed her ways, and realizes that her granddaughter's happiness is more important than her own. Has Lily been force feeding her Prozac? She and Dan proceed to the White Party. It always has to happen at a party.

Jenny and Eric are also at the party and Eric introduces her to socialite Tinsley Mortimer (who can't act out a white dress) and Jenny gives her bitchy employer the evil eye.

Nate wants to make his married concubine jealous so Serena kisses him as a favour...right in front of Dan of course. Dan says that nothing has changed, that the drama is still the same. Of course it is, Dan, this is the Hamptons! But then! Dan's two random make-out chicks appear out of nowhere (do people in Brooklyn get invited to White balls in the Hamptons) and bust him for playing them. So him and Serena are even and they get back together. Everything is all right in the world again.

And it turns out that James is actually an English Lord. Not an American Princeton/Georgetown lad. He says he likes Blair's honesty for calling him boring and he lied to her because he didn't want her to like him for his titles. It's a good thing Blair is not superficial...cough. Chuck doesn't stand a chance.

Jenny shows what a good person she is by turning down the chance to intern for Tinsley and continuing to work for Waldorf Designs even though everyone treats her like shit.

Chuck apologizes to Blair and begs her not to leave. But Blair wants to hear those three words that every woman wants to hear from their lover. Chuck doesn't get past "I..." and Blair leaves him for Lord James.

But at least Nate will be getting some action even though summer is ending; the married fling sets up a date to meet in the Fall. Maybe this is for real!

Chuck drinks his sorrows away and Dan starts writing now that he's back with Serena.

Till next week!


Ondo Lady said...

LOL Your commentary is so hilarous and reminds me of the copy on Television Without Pity. You really do nail the shows down to a tee. Great blog by the way.

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